Juspera's Good Ole GS4 Page / Humor
Honest Vladimr's Discount Duskruin Marvels
Alosaka's player has gifted us with this with this very funny option for players looking for a bargain at Duskruin.
As you approach the entrance to the famed Duskruin Arena, something catches your eye! A weather-beaten covered wagon topped with a striped canopy, like a circus tent, belts out an off-key tune from a concealed calliope. A horde of adventurers crowd around it, jostling to view its wares. A tattered banner hangs from a flagpole and reads "Honest Vladimr's Discount Duskruin Marvels!"
[Vladimr's Discount Duskruin Marvels, Parlour]
The wagon somehow seems smaller on the inside than the out. Thin plank shelves are suspended from the canopy walls, jostling with every footstep and threatening to spill their contents every which way. You also see a jeweled ring box, an armor stand, a weapon rack, a specialty chest, and a sign you really should read.
>read sign
"Why spend thousand of scrip at overpriced merchant? I sell you best loot for very much cheap! Make all friend jealous with Honest Vladimr's Discount Duskruin Marvels! All sales final no refunds."
Are you tired of paying thousands of scrip to get the weapon of your dreams? Do you despair of ever owning a set of legendary armor? Introducing a special new Duskruin store for value-conscious customers! Honest Vladimr has heard your woes, and has brought all-new flaring, scripted, special weapons, armor and trinkets at low low prices!
NEW ARMOR!
Sick of saving money for that over-priced Voln armor? Vladimr brings you ALL NEW armor imbued with the power of other minor Arkati who have been overlooked for too long!
1. A set of sage-green leafy Kuon armor: Double Leather (AsG 8) with all new Herb Flares!
An aivren tries to spear you with its massive beak!
AS: +388 vs DS: +393 with AvD: +27 + d100 roll: +95 = +117
... and hits for 5 points of damage!
Tickled your back muscles. Minor lumbago.
*Your sage-green leafy Kuon armor flares with nature's light!*
The bitter taste of sovyn clove fills your mouth.
That tingles, but you have no missing limbs to repair.
Roundtime: 35 seconds
R>stance defensive
...wait 34 seconds.
A vaespilon just arrived.
R>stance defensive
...wait 33 seconds.
An enormous rift crawler just arrived.
R>stance defensive
R>stance defensive
...wait 32 seconds.
...wait 32 seconds.
2. A shiny leather Ivas catsuit: Brigandine Armor (AsG 12) with special temptress flares!
A scarred fire giant champion's eyes blaze with fiery hatred!
A scarred fire giant champion swings a crowbill at you!
AS: +345 vs DS: +237 with AvD: +30 + d100 roll: +91 = +229
... and hits for 31 points of damage!
You hear a buzzing in your ears from that blow!
*Your shiny leather Ivas catsuit flares with licentious light!*
Your shiny leather Ivas catsuit unzips and falls off.
A scarred fire giant champion's eyes blaze with fiery hatred!
A scarred fire giant champion swings a crowbill at you!
AS: +345 vs DS: +217 with AvD: +40 + d100 roll: +76 = +254
... and hits for 104 points of damage!
Incredible blast shatters head into red spray.
3. An authentic Vlon breastplate: Metal breastplate (AsG 17) that's just like Voln armor probably.
Tier 1 (OTS): DS flares against dead foes (note: not undead foes)
Tier 2: Automatic Symbol of Protection upon death
Tier 3: Casts Symbol of Recognition when struck by undead
Tier 4: Grants knowledge of the ranger spell Resist Nature (620)
A bog wraith claws at you!
AS: +245 vs DS: +180 with AvD: +30 + d100 roll: +54 = +149
... and hits for 21 points of damage!
Slash to your chest. Breathe deep, it'll feel better in a minute.
*Your authentic Vlon breastplate flares with holy light!*
A bog wraith is an undead creature.
...and many others!
NEW WEAPONS!
>l on weapon rack
On the weapon rack you see a bent tin broadsword, a rusty iron mace, half of a flamberge, a splintered modwir spear, and an important note you really should read.
>
>read note
Are you tired of boring Acuity flares? Honest Vladimr is proud to introduce new Acuity flaring weapons! When used in combat these fearsome weapons have a chance to flare, granting you great insight into your foes' hopes and dreams. Get one today! Very cheap!
You swing a bent tin broadsword at a kobold!
AS: +25 vs DS: +4 with AvD: +36 + d100 roll: +66 = +123
... and hits for 15 points of damage!
Banged the kobold's left shin. That'll raise a good welt.
*A flash of light from your bent tin broadsword fills your mind with new insight!*
This kobold made daily trips to sneak into Wehnimer's Landing to leave tulips at the orphanage for the children. Despite his low intelligence, he too knew the pain of living without parents since adventurers killed all of his living relatives. Now the orphans will wonder where the tulips went.
A kobold collapses to the ground and dies.
You swing a rusty iron mace at a krolvin warfarer!
AS: +184 vs DS: +125 with AvD: +36 + d100 roll: +22 = +117
... and hits for 12 points of damage!
Blow leaves an imprint on the warfarer's chest!
*A flash of light from your rusty iron mace fills your mind with new insight!*
The krolvin warfarer's name was Belinda. She was the only one who watered the plants on their longship. When she was a young girl she wanted to grow up to be a leatherworker like her parents.
A krolvin warfarer collapses to the ground and dies.
You swing half of a flamberge at a wolverine!
AS: +244 vs DS: +199 with AvD: +36 + d100 roll: +84 = +165
... and hits for 41 points of damage!
Whoosh! Several ribs driven into lungs.
*A flash of light from your half of a flamberge fills your mind with new insight!*
Terry the wolverine was an alcoholic who beat his thrak wife. The world is legitimately a better place without him.
The wolverine lets out a final anguished howl and dies.
You thrust a splintered modwir spear at a shan cleric!
AS: +248 vs DS: +126 with AvD: +44 + d100 roll: +99 = +265
... and hits for 54 points of damage!
Attack punctures the eye and connects with something really vital!
*A flash of light from your splintered modwir spear fills your mind with new insight!*
Now the child will be with her mother. Next!
The shan cleric yips in pain as she falls to the ground motionless.
SPIRIT RINGS!
>l in case
In the nacre-limned jewelry case you see a dreamstone-inlaid copper band, an entwined gold-and-platinum ring set with a lustrous dark pearl, a solid gold seal carved with the image of a rampant unicorn, a dull gray potion, and an important sign.
>read sign
You like spirit-infused weapons, but don't want pay huge prices? Honest Vladimr has you covered! These rings contain wonderful spirit sure to make your adventures bright like fresh potato!
Spirit rings (all types) ... 25 bloodscrip
Ring removal potion ... 10,000 bloodscrip
>wear ring
You slide an entwined gold-and-platinum ring set with a lustrous dark pearl onto your finger.
>
As you wear the ring, a tiny glowing spirit suddenly appears in the air by your shoulder! It bobs up and down gently on the impression of wings.
>
Your glowing spirit says, "Hey!"
>
Arianiss just arrived.
>
Your glowing spirit says, "Listen!"
>
Your glowing spirit says, "Watch out!!"
>
>remove ring
You can't seem to do that.
>
Your glowing spirit says, "Look!"
>
>kill spirit
Your glowing spirit bobs gently out of reach.
>
Your glowing spirit says, "Hey!"
>
* Alosaka was just defeated in Duskruin Arena!
>
Your glowing spirit says, "Listen!"
SCRIPTED GROOMING ITEMS!
>l in kit
In the shaving kit you see a razor-sharp razern razor and an important sign.
>read sign
Very best razor! All men want for shaving! Only one left in stock, buy now!
>get razor
Ouch!
>blink
You blink.
>get razor
Ouch!
>'what the?
You ask, "What the?"
>get razor
How do you plan on doing that with no hands?
>l
[Honest Vladimr's Discount Duskruin Marvels, Backroom]
All manner of lost and forgotten things are crammed into this tiny nook. A crate filled with animal furs leans against a bookshelf stuffed to overflowing with enchanted knicknacks and sorcerous toys. A sandalwood shaving kit rests atop a small shelf. You also see a severed human hand and a severed human hand.
Obvious exits: out.
>whimper
Poor baby!
FANTASTIC POTIONS!
You want amazing potions, but hate terrible prices! Honest Vladimr has what you need! All of potions in this box give incredible bonus for courage adventurer! Also the labels fell off all the potion bottles but I think I got them back on the right ones. No refunds!
[Settlement of Reim, Entrance]
All sorts of spooky sounds emerge from beyond the spiked gates of the settlement. Wispy arms reach out from between the gate's bars, grasping for the warmth of your soft, living flesh. You also see a tall and imposing gate.
Also here: Selfane
Obvious paths: south
Selfane asks, "Ready?"
>nod
You nod.
Selfane says, "Oh, wait."
Selfane removes a dull brown potion out of his snowcat hide satchel.
Selfane offers you a dull brown potion. Click ACCEPT to accept the offer or DECLINE to decline it. The offer will expire in 30 seconds.
>'What is this?
You ask, "What is this?"
Selfane says, "I'm not sure. Either a strength potion or kobold pheromones."
>shrug
You shrug.
>drink my pot
Blegh! That tasted terrible!
That was the last drop.
Selfane asks, "Well? Do you feel stronger?"
A burly kobold just arrived.
>'not really
You say, "Not really."
A burly kobold just arrived.
A burly kobold just arrived.
AND SO MUCH MORE!
Yes, friends! Why spend all your hard-earned bloodscrip at expensive Bloodriven Village shops, when Honest Vladimr has just as good Duskruin marvels for much cheap! Save yourself and your friend money today at Honest Vladimr's Discount Duskruin Marvels!
Hello again friends! Are you tired of being poor, watching from the sidelines as the same people snap up the fanciest, most-gilded Duskruin marvels from the High End Scrip Shop? If so, Honest Vladimr has solution for you! We are proud to be introducing the Low End Scrip Shop (LESS)!
Honest Vladimr and his team have scoured all Elanthia for the greatest budget treasures for value-conscious consumers. So stop sitting on sidelines of HESS like boring poor elf and come to the LESS to loot like strong Krolvin warrior! Supplies are limited, so act now to take one of these beauties home:
1. A mossy piece of bark. This bark will apply all new Greater Herb Flares to any piece of armor. Greater Herb Flares have chance to cast Herb Production (1118) when struck, magicalling an herb to heal the injury you just caught! Never need flimsy empath again!
A Grimswarm orc guard fires a wooden heavy crossbow bolt at you!
AS: +307 vs DS: +195 with AvD: +31 + d100 roll: +78 = +221
... and hits for 75 points of damage!
Gruesome slash opens your forehead!
Grey matter spills forth!
The silvery luminescence fades from around you.
Your heart hammers suddenly in your chest before failing entirely. Even the influence of Troll's Blood is not enough to change the fact of your death.
It seems you have died, my friend. Although you cannot do anything, you are keenly aware of what is going on around you...
You mentally give a sigh of relief as you remember that the Goddess Lorminstra owes you a favor.
...departing in 14 mins...
*Your embossed leather breastplate flares with nature's light!*
Some aloeas stem suddenly appears at your feet.
A cloud of dense silvery fog suddenly appears. The fog quickly dissipates to reveal Selfane.
Selfane reaches down and tenderly holds your hand.
>'grab the stem!
You exclaim, "Grab the stem!"
Your surroundings blur into a white fog . . .
2. A silver stickpin capped with a drop of amber. This amazing magical item permanently grants the wearer knowledge of the ranger spell Resist Nature (620). Never before has such a high-level spell been offered as a permanent item for anyone who wants it!
We have many in stock, available for the low, low price of 10,000 scrip!
UPDATE: Special, limited time offer! Only 5,000 scrip!
UPDATE: We still have many in stock, so we're reducing the price to 2,500 scrip! Buy now -- this offer won't last!
UPDATE: Honest Vladimr wonders if perhaps his kind friends don't know how amazing this item is! It permanently grants you the knowledge of a 20th-level professional spell! Be the envy of all your friends with this marvel, now only 1,000 scrip!
UPDATE: Please, friends! Honest Vladimr went into much debt to purchase all these stickpin. Won't you consider getting one for yourself, one for your family? Only 500 scrip! Bulk orders available on special terms!
3. New society armors! Honest Vladimr wonders, "Why should those Voln zealots get all the fun?" The answer is, cannot! So pleasure your eyes with this amazing deals:
The Society That Shall Not Be Named: New certificates will create armor for very special society! I cannot say what they do here, but it is wonderful (no refunds). Available as metal aventail or flowing white robes.
Guardians of Sunfist: This certificate will turn your armor into all new "Grimbane" armor! DS flares, bonus to SMV2, resistant to implosions! Automatically casts Mass Calm (619) every five seconds while in Grimswarm warcamps!
[Warcamp, Approach]
A dirt path leads over a rise of earth and down towards a collection of mismatching tents and huts. The rotting stench of the encampment's inhabitants lingers in the air, mixed with the aroma of cooked flesh and burning wood. A heavy grey haze of campfire smoke hangs over the warcamp and drifts down behind the rise of land, creating a pocket of concealment from the eyes of the nearby Grimswarm. You also see an obscured path leading out.
Also here: Selfane
Obvious paths: north
A grimswarm orc guard just arrived!
*Your spiked metal breastplate suddenly flares with nature's light!*
A calm washes over a grimswarm orc guard.
Distorted ripples begin to appear across the mystical shroud surrounding this area!
>'haha suck it
You say, "Haha suck it."
A grimswarm orc witch just arrived!
*Your spiked metal breastplate suddenly flares with nature's light!*
A calm washes over a grimswarm orc witch.
The ripples in the mystical shroud surrounding the area become more prominent!
Selfane says, "Um..."
UPDATE to 2: Still many of these wonderful stickpins remaining! They also make a wonderful fashion statement, and merchants can use them as decorative material! 100 SCRIP, BUY ONE, GET ONE FREE!
4. Profession change certificates! Yes, the item you've all been waiting so long for, but thought would never arrive! This iridescent glowing orb will instantly transform you to the profession of your choice! Available professions at this time include: Monk and Rogue. 50 scrip or best offer!
5. New Nerve Staff Unlocks! Do you love tiers? Do you look at numbers and wish they were higher? So does Honest Vladimr! That's why he is proud to offer eight new tiers of Nerve Staff unlocks available for reasonable prices:
Tier 6 ... 100,000 scrip
Tier 7 ... 500,000 scrip
Tier 8 ... 2,000,000 scrip
Tier 9 ... 5,000,000 scrip
Tier 10 ... 10,000,000 scrip
Tier 11 ... 25,000,000 scrip
Tier 12 ... 50,000,000 scrip
Tier 13 ... 10^8 scrip
Please note that existing Nerve Staffs up to Tier 5 have been rebalanced to existing Tier 1 levels to compensate for the new tiers.
Yes friends! Time to stop being weakling elf in High End Scrip Shop! Come shop like sturdy Krolvin in Honest Vladimr's Low End Scrip Shop, and be amazed at wonderful bargain!
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Juspera's Good Ole GS4 Page / Humor