the TURNIP February 2003 | Back to Juspera's Good Ole GS4 Page |
|||
Top Story |
In Brief |
Other News |
|
Operation TIPS Resurrected for
Dark Alliance Threat
WASHINGTON, DC--Attorney General John Ashcroft met with the press today to announce the rebirth of Operation TIPS (Terrorism Information and Prevention System), the program designed to allow citizens an easy means to report suspicious or unusual behavior encountered in their everyday activities. The program, axed last year when the Homeland Security Act was finally passed, is being resurrected to deal with the growing threat posed by the Dark Alliance. Ashcroft was adamant when he spoke this afternoon in a televised press conference. "Though the opposition forces achieved a great victory with Harith, the fact remains that the Dark Alliance still has two pieces of the Griffin Sword, and our intelligence indicates that they mean to use them. We must be vigilant." Under the new TIPS, a toll-free government number has been set up to which participants may anonymously phone in suspicious activity any hour of the day. President Bush offered his comments in a statement released at the same time. "The Dark Alliance is evil, made up of evil people. They want nothing more than to destroy our American way of life. Especially Luukos. His reign of terror has gone on far too long. It's time for the forces of Liabo to join together and bring an end to this. If you're not with us, you're against us." Before departing, Ashcroft briefly reminded the audience of the threat they faced. "The Dark Alliance is made up of Luukos, Sheru, V'Tull and Mularos. Their followers and supporters reside not just on Lornon, but have infiltrated our daily lives, right down to your next-door neighbor, or the person you pass on the street. If we're going to prevent terrorism it has to start at home, with each and every one of you." He cautioned citizens to be on the lookout for any kind of suspicious or unusual activity. When pressed to be more specific, Ashcroft mused, "Anything that seems to link a person to the Dark Alliance... any kind of strange symbols or ritual candles, refusing to pray out loud could be suspicious... going out at night, and not telling anyone where, any kind of strange marks on the body... visiting websites about the Dark Alliance, porn or pipe bombs... any kind of suspicious change in behavior, including drug use, increased sexual activity, necromancy, cannibalism, orgies, kidnapping and torture or any kind of blood sacrifice involving goats or babies should probably be reported." The American Civil Liberties Union is already up in arms over the reinstatement of TIPS. "This is just another kind of witchhunt, and already George W. Bush's government is trying to justify it with overuse of the word 'evil' and unsupported generalizations about the conditions inside the Dark Alliance," read a statement released at the end of the day. "Not only is 'evil' clearly a term used by Bush for no other reason than to arouse moral righteousness in the populace, but U.N. inspectors have yet to confirm that the Sheruvian faction even has a piece of the sword, let alone that the Alliance intends to use them to harm the United States or any other nation. "If anything, the increased hostility and hysteria rising from the highest levels of government only serves the Alliance. We feel John Ashcroft ought to have a talk with Ulstram before this goes any further." |
Sheru Unmoved by Sacrifice of
GameHost TA'ILLISTIM--An attempt at communing with the god Sheru ended in disappointment this Volnes, when the Lord of Terror failed to respond in any way to the attempted sacrifice of GameHost Kedrik. Sheruvian Balantha Lothmore had cleverly lured the GameHost to a secluded location with the deceptive assist request of "I need help." Host Kedrik barely had time to get out "Hello, Balantha! I'm GameHost Kedrik. How may I be of assistance?" before being brutally dismembered and offered up to the dark god. Sheru did not seem impressed by the sacrifice of this lesser staff member, and before dismissing Host Kedrik, Lothmore demanded to be referred to a GM.
Sorcerer Too Scary for Dhe'nar
Vaaloran Vigilance Pays Off
Decaying Sucks, Studies Show |
Empress Cacked, Crowd Cheers Eryael Totally Gay Bath in Blood of 100 Virgins Not So Cool, Kind of Yucky Mmm, Mular-Os! |
|
Disclaimer: The Turnip is inspired by, but unrelated to, The Onion. Names and places mentioned in The Turnip may be real or fictional. The Turnip is for entertainment purposes only and should not be taken as endorsement or condemnation of anything described therein. |