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SOLHAVEN--The minister of information for the joined forces opposing the Dark Alliance in the war for the Griffin Sword spoke this Day of the Huntress to members of the press and curious onlookers.

"Ulstram [Chanerser] is absolutely on top of things as I speak. We have the fourth sword piece, it is in a secure location," said Minister Rafspite Cathcart. "I will not say where, but it is secure."

By all outside reports, things have been looking grim for the Resistance, with three of the alleged four Griffin Sword pieces in the hands of the enemy, and Resistance leader Ulstram missing in action for months. Resistance fighters eager for any news of the top brass's activities clustered around the minister as he spoke, peppering him with questions about the sword pieces and the Dark Alliance.

"They [the Dark Alliance] don't even have a single sword piece," he assured listeners. "They hold no sword pieces. This is an illusion... they are trying to sell to you an illusion. I have detailed information about the situation... that completely proves what they allege are illusions. They lie every day. They are Luukosians and they are dogs.

"I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that they have started to commit suicide under the walls of Vornavis. We will encourage them to commit more suicides quickly."

Minister Cathcart dismissed concerns that Ulstram Chanerser was missing or dead. "I have seen him just this morning. He is in the Landing and he is in very good health. Please, I will not answer ridiculous questions."

Regarding reports that the Dark Alliance and its followers had taken a strong hold on Solhaven and its temples, Cathcart was scornful. "I triple guarantee you, there are no Dark Alliance followers in Solhaven," he said, continuing at length on the moral depravity of the enemy. "We have issued a warning to the civilian population not to pick up any gems because they are booby traps," he said. "They have started dropping those gems, but they are not gems, they are booby traps to kill the children. Even those who live on another planet, if there are such people, would have condemned this action before it started. The midget Morvule and that Draezir deserve only to be beaten with shoes by freedom loving people everywhere."

Yet the minister remained characteristically upbeat on the war's prospects.

"We have placed them in a quagmire from which they can never emerge except dead," he said, adding that both Zerroth and Eryael have been killed by resistance forces in the past week, as well as "thousands" of Alliance troops. "On this occasion, I am not going to mention the number of the infidels who were killed and the number of destroyed encampments. The operation continues."

These offerings were met with some doubt by Resistance members, whose faith in their mission has dwindled steadily with every passing month. Some insisted they be allowed to speak with Ulstram in person, while others openly doubted whether Ulstram could have the fourth piece at all. Cathcart dismissed their concerns.

"Please, please! The Dark Alliance is relying on what I called yesterday a desperate and stupid method. They are nowhere near the fourth sword piece... they are lost in the desert... they can not read a compass... they are retarded.

"We are not afraid of the Dark Alliance. Koar has condemned them. They are stupid. They are stupid... and they are condemned. We will slaughter them, Morvule and his international gang of bastards!"

Weather Bad in Sapphire Tunnel
ZUL LOGOTH--Weather was bad in Zul Logoth's Sapphire Tunnel this afternoon, as local warrior Treyy Difallon was waylaid for nearly three minutes by a strange bank of fog and rain that had moved in, but rapidly cleared. "Anyone else got bad weather?" Difallon was heard to ask over the thought net. "I got real bad weather here." Then, "Oh my god. Anyone else in a fog? It's really stormin here." After the three minutes had passed, Difallon updated the town on the weather situation. "Weather's gone," he said simply, continuing on to his hunt.

Wizard Uses WARN Gratuitously
KHARAM-DZU--The Isle of Teras is abuzz this week with discontent, as local enchanter Wilo Ackadee takes the act of WARNing other townsfolk to a new level. Empath Owna Snergin says, "The man stunned me because I refused to heal him, then when I kicked him, he warned me for interaction." Her companion Trissh Dawnbirds adds, "He warned me today after I said Elves were wimps. I wasn't even talking to him. I don't even know him." Ackadee claims not to remember the Elf comment, saying, "I've heard of other people having problems with Trissh, so when I saw her today I decided to warn her preemptively." Ackadee paused during the interview to warn a stranger asking for spells, "just in case."

Mandis™ Crystal Creator Sues
JANTALAR--Gallister Mandis, creator of the Mandis™ Crystal, has brought a new lawsuit against the Barony of Jantalar. Mandis claims his contract with the Barony stipulates that Mandis™ Crystals should be referred to as "mana management crystals," must not be resold, and must be represented with the Mandis™ trademark and logo in all official documents. "We don't have a free empire if the big guy can can just run over the little guy like this," said Mandis, speaking through his lawyer Volnes. "I deserve better and the Mandis™ deserves better. It's not a toy."

Dwarf Still Wants Red Rot