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Gutsy Player Strikes Back against Injustice

DERRY, NH--Ronald Whitter is not the hero that we deserve, but he is perhaps the hero that we need. For over two decades, Whittier has been standing up for players' rights in the long-running game GemStone IV, fighting game developer Simutronics in order to preserve those things players hold most dear. This January, he has done what so many are unable or unwilling to do: hitting Simu where it hurts, by taking his hard-earned dollars elsewhere. Ronald Whittier is quitting GemStone. The issue for which he is seeking justice?

Festivals.

"There were way too many festivals this year," declared Whittier when we met him in his Derry, NH home. "Winternights, Duskruin, Faire of the North, ICICLE's anniversary, Magic of Spring, Spring in the East, Solhaven art show, Roses for Oleani, Rumor Woods, Valley of Gold, Faendryl Symposium, Sovyn's anniversary, FashionCon, Duskruin again, Seafarer's Festival, Premium Fest, Ebon Gate... oh, my God, Ebon Gate... Paupers' haunted house, Frontier Days, Twilight Hall's anniversary, and then Winterfest. Too damn much.

"It takes resources away from game development, it makes RPers even more pompous and entitled, and it's just exhausting to have to go to all these things and see if they're actually selling any good weapons. It's clear, like always, that Simu just doesn't give a damn about the player base."

When reminded that many of these festivals were player-run only, Whittier responded, "So? CHE and MHO officers are all in the GMs' pockets anyway."

This is not the first time this "hero of the people" has stood up to Simutronics' riding roughshod over its customers. Whittier is reknowned for having found the courage to defy the massive corporation time and again, repeatedly driving home the message that he and players like him are not to be trifled with. This January marks the twenty-second time he has hammered his point home by making the ultimate sacrifice.

Past injustices for which Whittier has also quit include: droppage; the removal of droppage; the move to the web; savants (five times); the papers requirement in Ta'Vaalor; microtransactions; the dwindling importance of clerics; the inability to buy 100-packs of salve; the nerfing of CoL (preemptive); wizards being too powerful; female characters being too powerful; the SAY verb being too powerful; disarm; and the recent changes to disarm.

As for how long he will punish the Simutronics with his absence this time, Whittier declined to speculate, saying only that he would "make sure Simu suffers." His previous personal boycotts have lasted anywhere from ten minutes to six and a half days.

80% of Elanthians Taller than Average, Study Finds
SOLHAVEN--A study commissioned by the Imperial Academy of Medicine this year found that approximately 80% of Elanthians are taller than average. Additionally, researchers determined that height follows a bimodal distribution in which fully 90% of people fall into either the "tall to very tall" or "short to diminutive" category. "We conducted the survey because we were curious whether improvements in nutrition over the past century have led to corresponding increases in stature. The outcome was surprising," said Aildrin Lyndforth, Academy spokesperson. "We theorize that our results were skewed by the increasing adventurer population in the area. As the causative pathology behind the adventuring lifestyle has long been a subject of speculation, we have been left to surmise that it is perhaps their very freakishness that has driven these people to adventuring in the first place."

Warmage Exuberant over Conversion
KHARAM DZU--Warmage Haily Thunderbender has turned her life around, and she's not afraid to tell you how. According to Thunderbender's friends, as well as several strangers, the mage has not stopped praising the virtues of her new religion since her recent conversion. "They're vastly underrated weapons, naginatas. Everyone thinks that a lance is the best polearm, but really, when you look at the AvD of a naginata, the RT, the DF, the aesthetics, the whole package, it's far superior." The naginata, which Thunderbender picked up at an auction last month, "is definitely misunderstood. I mean, a high AvD is basically the same thing as extra AS. Excuse me, has anyone talked to you about naginatas?" Thunderbender stopped an adventurer on the street to proselytize. After spreading the good news, she detoured to ask a wandering minstrel whether the weapon made her AS look big.

Bastard Swords to Be Renamed "Swords of Self-Esteem"

Winterfest Attendee Hospitalized for Ball-Related Injuries
Half-Krolvin is All Man
Bro, Do You Even Lich?

Dear Mamma Maylan

Dear Mamma Maylan,

I need help getting dog and cat (pictured below) to get along? I’ve tried gradually introducing them together, but each time I do my kitty pretends to be dead and startles my dog. Then follows the inevitable cycle of my dog galloping around the room destroying the furniture and always ending with kicking me unconscious. What should I do? A get along shirt, choreographing a dance number for them?

--Kicked in nob in Nob Hill

Attachment one, you see:
Negative space is used for much of this scene with black lines denoting the borders of various canvases piled top to bottom. Crude sketches of swords and benches center each canvas. In the center of the scene is some kind of white-faced animal with a pointed head. Its jaws seem impossibly open, but instead of seeming menacing it appears full of anxiety. As if the animal were sinking into the pile of canvases. A tail like a worm hangs out from under the pile.
There appears to be something written on it.
In the Common language, it reads:
"My Good Cat" -- by Faerinn Greatsinger

Attachment two, you see:
A painting of the second story of a pink granite Chateaux being viewed from ground level. Six windows balance the scene in equal distance apart from each other. A figure is visible in the window of the upper right-hand corner. An equine visage in chestnut glares back at the viewer.
There appears to be something written on it.
In the Common language, it reads:
"Soon" -- by Faerinn Greatsinger


Dear Kicked in Nob,

What you want to do is make yourself a little pit, and you decorate this pit however you see fit. Make it nice and purdy, make it your own. Then you go ahead and host one wild rager of a party. You can even charge a cover fee at the door. Then you put your two furry friends in the pit, and you take bets on who will reign victorious. You'll make a fortune! Anyhoo... don't forget to invite Mamma Maylan. That sounds like my kind of party.

Dear Mamma Maylan,

So, I met this really nice guy at the oak tree a few weeks ago, and things are going so well! But, a few nights ago we exchanged background stories, and he told me that all of his family were eaten by wolves. But all of my family were eaten by Dhe'nar and I was raised by wolves. And now he doesn't want to see me! What should I do?

--Love, Lost in Translation


Dear Lost in Translation,

Oh ho harr, I think I met the same fella! One evening after Helga kicked me out for loitering, I scooped up some gutter juice from out back and decided to have me a party for one in the woods. I settled myself next to a big oak tree and got good and proper drunk. These next bits are a bit hazy... The foliage was dappled silver by the moonlight as a quiet and mysterious stranger emerged. His hands were very strong, this I remember. No words were spoken - none were needed. We made tender love upon a blanket of soft moss, the gentle smells and sounds of the forest dancing in harmony with our bodies. Anyhoo.... come morning it turns out the fella was just a kobold that had wandered away from his mining camp. I'm sure you can still find him if you grab a bottle of hooch and settle in next to that old oak tree. Tell him Mamma Maylan sent you.

--Mamma Maylan.


Would you like to appear in Dear Mamma Maylan? Send your questions to gs4page@gmail.com.

Disclaimer: The Turnip is inspired by, but unrelated to, The Onion.  Names and places mentioned in The Turnip may be real or fictional. The Turnip is for entertainment purposes only and should not be taken as endorsement or condemnation of anything described therein.