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PAHOA, HI--This Monday, with much fanfare, Simutronics Corp. announced the grand opening of "Little Elanthia," the world's first gamer commune, in Pahoa, Hawaii. Speaking at a heavily attended press conference, GemStone IV product manager GM Wyrom elaborated on the need for the commune.

"Obviously, one of the main reasons we wanted to put this together was because we care deeply about our player base, and want to provide an enviroment in which they can fully enjoy the game without having to worry about distractions such as commuting, mortgages or child care. Additionally, we realize that attending KST is very important to many of our players, and we wanted to ensure everyone had the ability to participate in this compelling set of storylines." Since GM Kenstrom's GMing hours are constrained by his need to work and take classes, and paying GameMasters full-time salaries has never been part of Simutronics' business plan, Wyrom says, "The most practical solution was to invite the player base to move to Hawaii. For Little Elanthians, KST will now take place at a very reasonable local time of 7:30 pm (8:30 during Daylight Savings Time)."

Our reporters were on hand to see the first residents move into the sprawling complex. The site of the commune is a sunny expanse dotted with rustic tiny homes, chicken coops, and beehives. There is also a large community center that houses the kitchen, dining hall, and childcare area, as well as the gaming room, which is outfitted with restored Dell 486 desktops running Telnet on 66MHz processors for an authentic experience.

Pahoa is not a coastal community, but is tucked into the hills of the Big Island. While Little Elanthia residents will not have easy access to the beach, "We were trying to be realistic about how often residents would actually be leaving their computers," said Wyrom. Power will be provided by solar panels as well as by small foot pedal units beneath each of the gaming room computers, which residents will be expected to pedal as they powerhunt.

The three vegetarian meals a day that Little Elanthians will take turns cooking for the commune will come entirely from the on-site farm, with the growing seasons timed around important cultural festivals such as Ebon's Gates and Nighttime Ruin. Sales of eggs and honey will provide cash for incidental expenses. Residents will choose from one of ten professions, such as "scholar," "weedmage," "wizard" and "healer"; their primary tasks will be such things as such as teaching the children math and reading through GemStone, naturally fertilizing the farm plots, optimizing the bees, or vigorously sterilizing the shared keyboards.

"We're extremely hopeful that Little Elanthia will enable our players to truly immerse themselves in the world of GemStone," concluded Wyrom. "If we've done our job right, they'll want to spend the rest of our lives here. What are we, really, but one big happy family?"

Rogues Can Have a Little Improvement
WEHNIMER'S LANDING--With the recent chances for rogues to improve their skills and livelihood, many who live with rogues are wondering if it's healthy for theirs to participate. "My boyfriend is a rogue," said local paladin Lakwanda McAoibheann. "I'm concerned because I thought they were supposed to only fail at things. He's never had class balance before. Is this okay for him? I don't want him to swell up." To find out, we consulted Imperial Academy of Medicine physician Rumpis Adelwort, who said Lakeesha didn't need to worry. "Although the natural diet of a rogue is suffering, they can also tolerate small amounts of success," said Adelwort. "Your rogue should do just fine with a little improvement, as a treat." He cautioned that rogues should not be given good things too frequently as this could have adverse consequences.

Wizard Hospitalized for Burns, Shame

Dear Mamma Maylan

Dear Mamma Maylan,

Hoping you can help. Last winter I was in a relationship with a beautiful young woman, until the gods became jealous of our love and stole her away from me with a chill, killing wind. I ventured into the underworld, subduing many beasts, until I came to that land’s foul master, and through my song I managed to bend his hollow heart into agreeing to release my beloved on the condition that I not look back until we leave his domain. I agreed at the time, but the more I think about it, the less I trust him. Should I take a peek?

Please answer soonest, we're almost at the underworld exit.

--Subterranean Suitor

Dear Subterranean Suitor,

What kind of stupid rule is that?? If mister monster is so very self-conscious about folks peeking at his domain, he shouldn't be keeping captives there. Maybe show up in a proper maid's uniform and offer to spruce the place up a bit. You know what? Mamma Maylan had better do this herself. This sounds like a job for a professional mop girl. Anyhoo... You tell me where this fella lives, and I'll give that monster my extra special dusting wink wink.

Dear Mamma Maylan,

I like this girl in town. She's strong and independent and really pretty. She's kind of intimidating, though. I think she follows Eorgina. That's a little weird, but okay, too, I guess. What can I do to get her to like me?

--Cap from Solhaven

Dear Cap,

You're going to need a mop, some tar, and err...something sparkly. You take that mop and you dip it in the tar. Put that mop on your head, and braid it nice and purdy. Now you take that sparkly some-such and you go ahead and smear it all over your skin. Now you've got yourself a proper Eorgina disguise. You march right up to that lass while wearing your disguise, and you talk about what a fine fella you are and how any gal would be lucky to be with you. You'll have a smitten kitten in no time. Anyhoo...you let Mamma Maylan borrow that wig when you're done with it. I need it for...well never you mind that.

--Mamma Maylan.

Would you like to appear in Dear Mamma Maylan? Send your questions to gs4page@gmail.com.